A simple place to capture the moments of my crazy life

Warning!! 18+ or minus 2

on October 27, 2010

Ok, thought I should give y’all an update on my current mental status .. lol …. cause I’m sure you are all waiting with baited breath!! HA!! Yesterday (Tuesday), was likely one of the darkest days I’ve had in quite a while. In the past 15 months, I have lived through many dark days, but I haven’t had one quite as dark as yesterday in almost a year, and let me tell you I have no freaking desire to head back there anytime soon. I had to come home from work early yesterday, because I really just couldn’t get my head into the game. I came home and had a nap on the couch with my best friend in the whole wide world Patrick. **note** Patrick, is our boston terrier beagle, he’s the BEST snuggler in the world. It truly amazes me how relaxing it is to lay down with him, he’s the sweetest little man ever. I can let him out of the kennel, and if I lay down on the couch, he will come and snuggle into the back of my legs, and lay his head over my legs, as if he’s hugging me. I LOVE HIM!!

So, I napped, and then had to go back to work for the evening. I tried really hard to get out of my head, however, it wasn’t the easiest thing to do. There was a full on war happening in my mind. Struggling with the Lacey issue, the Danielle issue, co-workers, ugh just all of it. Around and around it went, until basically I was so caught up in my head I wasn’t even able to speak. I came home from work and sat in front of the computer, after my shower, for an hour, playing Chain Reaction, and then watched the Good Wife, and came back to the computer for another 2 hours of chain reaction. NOT  A GOOD SIGN!! Mindless, exploding bubbles, for almost 3 hours …. nope not a good sign. When I went to bed, I was struck with an anxiety attack like no other. I was almost convinced that I was having a nervous breakdown. At 1:30am, I was seriously considering calling my mom, just to cry, and tell her that I wouldn’t be able to come to work today, and that I was taking stress leave. But instead, I snuggled into Peter a little closer, with Patrick snuggled into my feet, and I prayed. Over and over again I said the Hail Mary, typically, this works almost immediately, however last night, the knot in my stomach just got tighter and tighter. I did eventually fall asleep, but it wasn’t all the “restful”, but nonetheless I slept.

When I woke up this morning, things were a bit better, I’m still just sitting on the edge, but I was functioning today. I don’ t tolerate myself very well, when I can’t function. I just looked up the signs of a nervous breakdown.

{Found here} A nervous breakdown can be described as an acute emotional or psychological collapse. The term nervous breakdown is not a medical term, but rather a colloquial term used by the general public to refer to and characterize a wide range of mental illnesses.

It generally occurs when a person is unable to function in social roles anymore, experiencing severe depression or feelings of being out of touch with reality. This often occurs after a long period of stress which has not been adequately dealt with.

This inability to function can occur in both work and personal arenas, resulting in difficulty in fulfilling obligations. It also causes the individual to develop physical, mental and emotional symptoms. A person experiencing symptoms of a nervous breakdownmay feel extreme tiredness, weakness, episodes of uncontrollable crying, confusion, disorientation and feelings of worthlessness.

I am just extremely thankful that today was a little brighter, and at some point, I really have to learn to lighten up on myself and just allow life to happen. I can’t control it all, I didn’t cause it all, and I definitely can’t cure it all!!

Thanks for reading!!
Love you all,




6 responses to “Warning!! 18+ or minus 2

  1. Sara says:

    Lots of hugs and love.

  2. Catherine says:

    (((HUGS)))). I wish we were closer… so we could chat, so I could give you some relief, so I could be closer just in case you ever need us.

  3. oh Krista, so sorry to hear you’re feeling this way. Really sounds like you’ve got depression hun, and it makes everything a hell of a lot harder than it has to be. Thinking of you.

  4. Molly says:

    Oh Krista! I knew there was a reason you’ve been on my mind this week! One day at a time girl. Sometimes moment to moment…. Hang in there girl and if you ever need to chat just holler… breathe… breathe…. and maybe even play some bob marley “don’t worry… about a thing.. cause every little thing… is gonna be alright… sayin’ don’t worry…. about a thing….” Big Giant HUGGGG to you!!!

  5. Maya says:

    {{hugs}} take care!!

  6. Mommy & Zara says:

    It breaks my heart to know that you are still in so much pain. Please, please, please let us know what we can do do help alleviate some of your stress. Big hugs and kisses are sent your way xoxoxoxo

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