A simple place to capture the moments of my crazy life

Leave her alone

on November 12, 2010

Oh it’s been a week. I have slipped back into the darkness of my mind again. It’s such a terrible place to be, to sit spinning amidst my thoughts, not being able to control what direction they are heading. I try so hard to laugh, to smile, to pretend that it’s all ok, but really it’s not. The pain is there, it’s always there, just sitting right below the surface. The aching, the gnawing, the dull throbbing , it’s always there, somedays, it’s a little less, but it’s always ALWAYS there. Tuesday, marks the spot of the beginning of the return of darkness, the return of the never-ending questions, spinning out of control in my mind. It started with a phone call, to deliver yet more disturbing news, news that will haunt my days, torture my nights, cloud my vision, alter my perceptions of the world, of life, of reality. The questions have started again, the endless questions, spinning and twirling around in my head. I try to keep my chin up, try to say it will be ok, but WHEN DAMMIT??? WHEN??? When will it be ok, when will she be ok, when will the hurting stop. I reach out, I lash out, I speak out, I am silent. All the while, just wanting and waiting for it to stop. When will it stop?? When will all the fucking pain stop?? I want to stand on the roof and scream, for all the world to hear, LEAVE HER ALONE. She’s not who you think she is …. she’s special, she’s unique, she’s sweet, she’s lovely, LEAVE HER THE FUCK ALONE. Teach her to read, to write, to love, to smile, help her to believe that she is the BEST she can be. She is the BEST she can be, she’s mine I love her, LEAVE HER ALONE. She cries, I cry, she laughs, I try to laugh, she loves and OH how I love her. Her little heart is pure and good, just LEAVE HER ALONE. I am powerless, I can’t change it, I can’t control it, LEAVE HER ALONE. She wants to be your friend, she’s not different, she’s unique. LEAVE HER ALONE!! To sit and watch this pain and agony is killing me, slowly each day I die a little more inside, watching the petals on her flower wilt, she hurts, she’s sad, she’s lonely, I can’t help. I don’t know what to do. The worst feeling is the world is helplessness. I want to scream, I want to fight, I want to bash in their heads. LEAVE HER ALONE. She’s only a child, she’s not a monster, she’s done nothing wrong LEAVE HER ALONE. The questions oh the fucking questions, they spin and spin they just fucking spin around and around over and over again. What have I done wrong?? Why can’t it work out?? LEAVE HER ALONE!! I believe in faith, I believe in karma, I believe that out of every dark valley there is light, but I don’t believe any of it will happen to me! I don’t believe it will happen for ME!!! I’m not worthy, thus making her not worthy, I think she’s worthy but YOU do not. You beat her up you knock her down, you DISGUST me!! You and your spawn, the contemptuous little spawn, stirring the pot, leaving out the details, leaving nothing to chance, protecting only yourself, out of hatred and jealously, out of childishness and envy. You have a problem with me, yet, you take it on her, you are just as contemptuous, I would even say EVIL, to be an adult and take it out on a child. Once again I say LEAVE HER ALONE. It’s me you want, it’s me you hate, MAN UP , come get me, say your piece have your say, BUT LEAVE HER ALONE!!!! I will build her up and she will continue to fight, to for the right to be UNIQUE, to be different, to be who SHE IS!! I will strengthen her, I will fortify her to stand strong against the evils that work against her, she will SURVIVE. She will not conform to be a cookie cutter, she will be herself and unique and PROUD to be her. I refuse to back down, I refuse to watch you try time and time again to destroy her. SHE WILL SURVIVE. She will be stronger because of it, she will be more successful because of it, and that will COMPLETE her. Not your way, not my way, but HER WAY. So LEAVE HER ALONE!! You will not win, she will prevail and you will be sad that you missed out of the greatest little friend for life. She is faithful, she is loyal, she is true, she’s a lover and a giver. All that she is you try to rob from her, but with each attempt, we those that truly love her for WHO she is, and HOW she is, will BUILD HER UP!! We will nurture her differences, her individuality, because it is GOOD. There is no agenda, there is no mission, there is life and only life. She will SUCCEED. We will teach her to shine, to sing, to love, to laugh, but you will try to destroy it. It’s working, the laugh is hollow, the smile is surface, the singing is low, but it will come. YOU WILL NOT WIN. I watch her the uncertainty, the pain, the aching, I see it all, you didn’t think I would, because your actions are as slimy as a snake, slithering silently into her mind, poking holes in her being in her soul, in her person. Do you feel better??? You contemptuous being??? Are you satisfied yet?? What will satisfy your thrist?? What will sedate the need to destroy? Her break? Her snap? Her death? My break? My snap? My death? Then will you be satisfied? Truly happy, or will you move onto the next victim, the next person to “cross” your path? You have come slowly over time, staging your war against her mind, her will, her persona, slowly stealing moments of her life, her time, her journey, because you are contemptuous. Mark my words, YOU ARE A BULLY!! You are not concerned, there is not an ounce of concern within your core, it’s all self-motivation, it’s DISGUSTING behaviour. You can’t have it both ways, you can’t turn it on and off like a switch, it will come back to you TENFOLD, somehow, someday, you will know the error of your ways. We are training her,educating her on what to look for, she is training herself, and educating herself on the BULLY’s around her. ONE DAY SHE WILL be the LAST one standing. The day will come that YOU will be left in the shadows, in the darkness, alone, and scared to fight for yourself. YOU ARE A BULLY!!! And simply put I HATE YOU, all of YOU!! ONE last time LEAVE HER ALONE!!


8 responses to “Leave her alone

  1. trudy says:

    Oh Krista, Krista, Krista…how on earth can I help you?? What can I do to make the darkness leave your mind? I suppose just saying that I am here for you if you need me?? Know that we love you! Know that I have been there with my own daughter and that the demons have since left us, she knows that we are here for her and that is all that we can do. Your daughter knows that you love her with all of your heart and that is all that you can do.

  2. lauriewe says:

    {{{HUGS}}}}- I’ve missed you

  3. Meg B. says:

    Krista she’s so lucky to have you for a mom!!! I endured bullying all through elementary school and my mom was too busy to notice or care. You are an amazing momma!

  4. CAtherine says:

    Love you both very much! Wish I was there to help both of you or at least give you both great big hugs!

  5. katg1006 says:

    Well said Krista!! ((hugs)) I am so proud of you that you said it all out loud – and with 100% honesty!!! You are saying what so many others wish they could! Know that you both are special and loved! Bullys disgust me. Total cowards! Stay strong – you are an awesome Mama!!! Your kids are amazing lovely lights in the world 🙂 Your family rocks! Love you!! xoxoxoxox

  6. faerywings says:

    Hugs baby, we have got your back, no one messes with my O-Fam. Vent and scream and get it OUT! You are such a strong person and and uber-strong momma. I admire and love you.
    Hang in there, you *will* see the light.

  7. Mommy & Zara says:

    I am so moved by your words and so sad to learn that you have returned to your dark place. It is indeed important to get these feelings out and to not bottle them up inside… Journaling/blogging can be very cathartic. Please know that you are in our daily prayers and if there is anything we can do, please, please do not hesitate to ask. We love you all very much! Big hugs and kisses xoxoxo

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